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The return of the Drug Guide for Dummies 2002
by Tokyo Rico
LSD
After eating as much acid as you can, what you want to do is find a mirror. Staring at your reflection for an hour or two will enhance that feeling of relaxed quietude which is so typically "acid." Be sure to check for dilated pupils or any strange facial protuberances -- these are serious conditions and must be treated immediately by a surgeon! Black Rock City's finest surgeon lives in the head of The Man. You better go up there and get him, quick.
ECSTASY
A hateful drug for hateful individuals. The first dose makes you loathe humanity, the second sends you into a foaming frenzy. Tired of people touching you? Sick of "that hippie shit?" Pop some E and get ready for a night of hardcore violence. Just make sure to wear thick gloves - you'll probably punch out a window or two as your maniac animal rage bursts forth, unleashed.
MARIJUANA BROWNIES
The great thing about eating marijuana is that it hits you hard and it hits you fast. If you're not feeling anything thirty seconds after eating a pot brownie, quickly eat three more brownies. Still nothing? You probably messed up the brownies. Oh well. Wait an hour, then work off the extra calories by operating some dangerous machinery.
VICODIN AND LIQUOR
The champagne of drug combinations, this is just the thing if you're looking to impress a special someone with your refined elegance and poise. As Fred Astaire once sang: "I'm puttin' on my top hat/Tyin' up my white tie/Brushin' off my tails/Swallowin' some Vicodin/And chasin' it with liquor." Slug down this sophisticated elixir and soon the glitterati at classy gatherings everywhere will be abuzz with word of your inspired wit. Tip: if someone notices the drooling, assure them you're simply spit-shining your wingtips.
OPIUM
Who needs morning coffee when you've got a pipeful of nature's own "get-up-and-go" at the ready? A puff or two of opium sharpens the mind and sends you out of the RV with a spring in your step, ready for action. But beware: opium also produces the infamous "motormouth effectî that will make your campmates exclaim: "Will that opium junkie EVER shut up?"
HEROIN
For those who prefer a sanitary drug with no risks attached, this is the narcotic of choice - it's so safe to use, and the high so mild it's almost like doing no drug at all. On the other hand heroin is 100% legal and always pure. To ensure you get the best possible heroin, seek out a dealer who is shivering, submental, and toothless - preferably with a white crust around his mouth. Can't find one? A Gerlach police officer will happily point you in the right direction.
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