Out on the town
by Katie Kitty

Like, wow! Welcome to Burning Man and stuff! I'm Katie Kitty and in my "straight" life, I'm an administrative assistant at Pinch, Polk, and Prober in Los Angeles. I heard about the Burning Man art festival in 2000 and I've been coming every year since. Let me tell you, it's so much better now that the dot-commers are all gone 'cause they were all totally superficial and stuff.

I met the great people at the Burning Man Yahoo Education Project that year and they asked me to write a column called "Out On The Town." I'm not a great writer, but I did my research so here it goes!

Black Rock City has botox parties!
I know, can you believe it? Me neither. My frown lines and crows feet absolutely make me want to puke! I've heard naysayers and "doctors" saying that injecting botulism into your face is dangerous, but all I can say is, anything that makes me look good has got to be okay. A paralyzed face later in live would be a drag, but by then they'll have another miracle cure! My sources tell me that you should bring something to Botox Camp to "barter." (wink, wink, giggle, giggle) For sure! I'm all about a healthy and clean lifestyle. And with all the drugs and debauchery at Burning Man that I've sometimes seen through the window of my RV, it's nice to have an alternative for people who care about their bodies and want to stay looking good! Especially with the sun out here on the playa, your last botox treatment will probably fade quickly. I'm so there, so let's party girls!

Costumes that are cool this year!
Let's face it, we're hot chicks. I mean, really. We care about our bodies and we care about how we look. Working out rocks! I'm so there on the Stairmaster.

Therefore, you should show off what you got sister and put on some funky costumes and boogie down! It's Burning Man!

I brought my fairy wings this year. They're in style, especially when worn with a tiny G-string and a nice pullover graffiti shirt, or a retro-preppy button up. And don't forget the body glitter, you'll look absolutely out of this world in the crazy lights. Just make sure you've got lots of lotion to clean and moisturize later. Show off what you've got girls!

Retro is totally cool this year. I bet we'll see some of the Cyndi Lauper '80s looks or Pat Benetar wide belts, complete with rhinestones strutting around. And don't forget the slim pants and belly shirts, girls. Less is more.

Also, thanks to our boys in that country where they're fighting the evil-doers, military chic is in! Think short camo shorts with a beret. If you're a die-hard trendsetter, I read that camo-chic is the way to go. I recommend a camel Burberry camouflage. Also, if you had a dad or grandpa who was in one of those World Wars, try to find a medal from their remains and wear it with pride, baby! You can be stylish and patriotic! We're at war and war is hell, but that shouldn't keep you from looking swell. Support our boys, girls! I'm so there!

Make the scene!
Burning Man is all about being seen. If you look good - and I know you do - then don't be afraid to promenade. With all the pretty art around, every few feet is a photo opportunity. Just think how jealous your (yawn) boring girlfriends will be when you meet at the mall and show them photos of you atop a huge penis that someone just put out there on the playa. While they were spending their late summer vacation vacationing in the Alps again, you were being daring and alternative. Maybe you'll even get your picture on one of the many Burning Man websites. Wouldn't that be cool?

Finding your special Burning Man hottie
Okay, I'm gonna be honest with you. There are guys at Burning Man who are scary and gross. You'll know them when you see them. Maintain your charm always girls. Remember where you are - in the desert with a bunch of crazy, post-apocalyptic people. Did I just say that? Giggle giggle!

Anyway, my advice is to stay away from the moody "artist" types. They're usually kind of grubby and poor, unless you can find a hunk who's a sculptor or something. The guys who work on the robots or play with fire (or both) are really weird, so avoid them unless you're drunk and you're looking for a weird gasoline smelling quickie. Yours truly got really drunk and "hung out" with a guy from the Death Guild Thunderdome. So sue me!! I've got stories to tell my grandchildren! I AM ALTERNATIVE.

If you're looking for a stud monster, you'll see them. They'll be walking around with their tanned hairless chests, drinking beer, wearing baseball hats on backwards, and they'll let you know who they are. When you hear their great "Woo-hoo!", they're nearby. Find one who lives near you in the "straight" life so you can hook up after the festival. Besides dancing all night at the raves, there's nothing crazier than hooking up with some cutie. Don't be afraid girls. Just do the usual and make sure:

• They don't slip anything into your drink.
• You get their real name and location where they're staying.
• That you're somewhere where people can hear you scream if he gets too "rowdy."
• And be sure to bring condoms and practice safe sex if you take the plunge.

So good luck girls. Hugs to you all and remember, Katie Kitty hearts you!. I'm so there! C-ya on the playa!

© 2002 Piss Clear
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