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Our first annual Best of Black Rock City
Now really,
what sort of alternative newspaper would we be if we didn't have a "Best
of..." issue? Why, it's an alternative press clichŽ!
Since
arriving here in Black Rock City, we've been combing the streets and hanging
out in theme camps, discovering a few of the best things that make Black Rock
City culture so much fun. Some of 32 things listed here will seem obvious,
while others may be a bit off the beaten path. Either way, we hope you enjoy
this list as much as we had fun putting it together. So without further ado,
we're proud to present our very first annual "Best of Black Rock
City."
PLACES
Best Place To Get A
Grilled Cheese Sandwich At Four In The Morning
The closest
thing Black Rock City's got to an all-night bar and grill, Bianca's Smut Shack is that, and so much more. Bianca's Smut Shack
is a full-on, 24-7 party spot, with far and away the most gracious hosts on the
playa. These people really know how to throw a party. They're so friendly and
nice and loving, and just being there will just fill you with enough warm
fuzzies to get you through a cold Black Rock night. After all, Bianca loves
you!
At any
given time of day, there are interesting people hanging out here, lounging on
one of the comfy couches, or flipping through one of several pornographic
magazines laying around. To be honest, there usually isn't anything all that smutty going on at Bianca's, unless
you consider the multitude of good vibes and friendly flirting that goes on to
be particularly smutty.
And oh yes,
about those grilled cheese sandwiches. They're simply the best on the playa, a
Bianca trademark. Come for the grilled cheese, stay for the love.
Best Aluminum
Recycling
It's about
damn time Black Rock City started recycling, and nobody does it better than the
denizens of Devil's Dozen Recycle Camp. Putting
the 'cycle' back into 'recycling,' these are the people who have been swarming
around the city on their Insectomobiles, collecting aluminum cans to melt and
cast into those weird bicycle racks you've been seeing pop up. Bring your cans
and other aluminum items to their camp for a truly smashing experience! Ride
their Steamroller Bike! Create Trashy Fashions! Be warned though: they only
accept aluminum. Any misguided individuals trying to unload any non-aluminum
recyclables will have to deal with a Devil's Advocate, who may effect
irreparable damage to their souls.
Best Lawn on the
Playa
Incongruities
abound on the playa, but for our money, nothing beats the sight of a lush green
lawn spread on parched, barren earth in a neat rectangle. Top it off with some
brightly painted balls rolling through arched wickets and a few lunatics waving
wooden mallets around spewing torrents of vile invective at each other, and
you've got some kinda sport, pal. Croquet, to be exact, and it's one of the most fashionable pastimes in
Black Rock City.
Eileen Hoyt's Croquet Lawn at Fandango! camp (north side of Black Rock City)
evokes much emotional responses from passerby. You'll want to touch it.
"Is it real?" you'll ask wide-eyed, bending over to ruffle the blades
of grass with your fingers, to prove it to yourself. "Can I water
it?" you'll ask. Sure, go ahead, water Eileen's lawn. But don't think
it'll make her hesitate if she has the opportunity to knock your ball into the
next county.
Best Place To Score
Drugs
If you
thought that Burning Man would be an easy place to score some drugs, chances
are, you thought wrong. Oh sure, there are people selling in Black Rock City÷at
inflated prices. Besides, who wants to spend their weekend here trying to find
drugs? Hopefully, you did what we do, and that's stockpile in San Francisco first, before coming out
here. You'll remember that next year, okay?
Best Place To Watch
The Man Burn
Unless
you're part of the elite crew who built Tower
Camp you can pretty much forget about scoring the best seats in the house
for viewing the Burn on Sunday night. Hang out on the playa floor with the rest
of the plebes, and gaze longingly at Tower Camp off in the distance. Oh, a Burn
with a view. Sigh. Maybe next year we'll remember to bring our own scaffolding.
Best Place To Pick
Someone Up
Cafe Temps
Perdu? No. Bianca's Smut Shack? No, no. The Central Camp Bulletin Board? No,
no, no. The best place to pick someone up in Black Rock City is standing in line for the porta-potties. Start
practicing your pick-up lines now: "Have I seen you here before?" or
"Hey baby, come here often?" or "God damn, these porta-potties
fucking stink!"
Best Place To Get
Laid
Not saying
that you're actually going to be able to accomplish this or not, but certainly
bumping uglies in the Haystack Room
underneath the Burning Man would give you some richly-deserved hipster cred
points, not to mention providing you with a scintillating topic of conversation
at cocktail parties across the playa. One warning though: please don't try this
on Sunday night.
Best Place To Soak
Your Feet And Get A Manicure
Highly
recommended by the Space Cowgirls, Camp
Camp Village Quarter's Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence reportedly give the
best manicures on the playa. These are some of the most gracious nuns we've
ever met, and anyone who offers you a cool beer and a foot bath, along with a
stunningly wide selection of nail color, is a friend of ours! Look for them at
Camp Camp, next to the Bleu Light District, on the north side of Black Rock
City.
Best Emergency
Make-Over
You've got
it hand it to those queens over at M*A*S*H*cara
(Atlantic at South 5th). The Ladies Militia Forced Aid Camp are outfitted with
the largest arsenal of make-up on the playa, and they mean business! They've
got a stockpile of lipsticks and mascara, and they know how to use them! If you
find yourself in need of make-up aid, these queens might be able to help. Or
then again, maybe not. As Private Nambla the Clown says, "In the grand
Burning Man tradition, M*A*S*H*cara is ground zero for great ideas executed
poorly." Be on the lookout though for a rumored drag queen take-over of
Bianca's Smut Shack on Sunday before the Burn!
Best Place To Destroy
Aliens
It's a
little-known fact that the editor of Piss
Clear is actually a closet classic videogame junkie, and probably owns the
largest collection of Atari 2600 cartridges this side of the Black Rock
Mountains. It's for this reason that we love Camp Atari! With games such as Asteroids, Breakout, and Space
Invaders on tap, you can easily relive your pathetic twentysomething childhood
memories. They've also got a few other classic videogame systems set up, such
as the Odyssey2 and an original Nintendo. Whatever. For us, it's this camp's
namesake that keep us coming back.
Best Shower
Sure, you
can get by with one of those solar showers, or any number of the other
makeshift showers out here. But why bother? You know you're just going to be
sticky and sweaty and gross and covered with playa dust five minutes later
anyway, so what's the point? The best shower you're likely to get is the one
you'll take in Reno, before heading
home. In fact, once you get off the playa, no matter where you are, the first
shower you get will be the best.
Best Place To Make A
Charitable Contribution To White Trash Nevada Kids
Many people
know that the public landfill at
Lockwood, right off Interstate 80 on the way to Reno, is one of the best
places to dump all your post-Burning Man garbage. What they don't know though,
is that there is also a dumpster there, where one can toss in assorted toys,
games, books, whatever, which are then donated to children throughout the local
area. I still cherish the thought that some cool kid in Nevada is tooling
around his or her neighborhood on the fuzzy yellow fake-fur bicycle that I
dumped off there two years ago.
SHOWS
Best Theatrical
Production In Town
It's huge,
it's epic, it's got a cast of hundreds, a great score, and a set that burns.
Who cares if it makes no sense? Now in it's third year as a full-scale
theatrical production, sculptor Pepe
Ozan's annual fire lingam opera is truly a grand site to behold, rivaling
even the burning of the Man himself. This year's opera, The Temple of Rudra, to
be performed tonight at midnight, promises to be even bigger and better than
last year's. Pepe and his team should be commended for producing one of the
most epic moments of Burning Man, a magical presentation that can only be
described as ecstatic!
Best Place To See
Something You're Not Quite Sure Was For Real The Next Day
For your
money÷in other words, none÷the Fandango!
Stumble-In Theatre (Village Way South 3rd) provides you with the best rest
stop on the road to nirvana. Every night around midnight, they present on their
big screen a short film festival of the weird and sublime. You never know quite
what you're going to see. That's the
beauty of it. All in all, not a bad place to chill out while you're trying to
come down off whatever drugs you happen to be on. And if you happen to have a
short film or video that you'd like to see on their giant screen, by all means
bring it by.
Best Place To
Showcase Your Extraordinary Talent While Drunk
Unveil your
fabulousness to your friends and co-campers in the brightest spotlight on the
playa, Kimba's Spotlight. Emcee
Kimba Cravemore, with the aid of luscious co-vixens Megilla and Mithril, hosts
an open, nightly invitation to your inner celebrity. Sets, costumes, music,
props, inspiration, and occasional scorn await you under the blaze of the Big
Bright Spot in the Bleu Light District. If you missed last night's bizarre
showcase of so-called "talent," then you'll definitely want to drop
by tonight at 8 pm. Get up on stage and show 'em your stuff! Just be warned
though: they don't always take too kindly to poetry and/or acoustic guitars.
Best Local Homegrown
Sport
Where else
but in Black Rock City can you watch a bunch of drunken idiots burn themselves
while kicking and throwing a flaming ball of fire all over the place? We
lamented its absence last year, but thankfully, Fireball returned to the playa this past Thursday. If you missed
the classic battle between Shirts and Skins, then you'll just have to wait
until next year...
BEVERAGES
Best Coffee
For that
early morning java jolt, where else are you going to go? The CafŽ Temps Perdu, run by the fabulous
Miss P, is the place. With over
10,000 cups served, how can you go wrong? Not only that, it has a reputation
around town as the best places in Black Rock City to pick someone up!
Best Bar-Hopping On
The Playa
Look, you
can go wandering all over the playa looking for booze. Or, you can simply go to
the NeighBarhood, your one-stop
shopping for all your alcoholic needs. With over a dozen different bars and a
rotating cast of bartenders, there's something for everyone here. Well, except
a 12-Step Program. Just be sure to bring something to barter÷ice, liquor,
mixers, sexual favors, whatever÷otherwise the bartenders will get a tad testy. As they say here, "Drink more, worry
less!"
Best Mixed Drinks
Served Without Attitude
The best
laughs we've had all year were at the Black
Rock City Country Club. Bust out your Hawaiian shirt and slip into those
loafers and head on over for a lil' late night toddy. This is one of the Space
Cowgirls' favorite watering holes.
Best Drink In An
Ambient Atmosphere
Just
imagine... chai tea and aerobics with a techno backbeat. What, you can't
imagine that? Then head on over to the Nub
Circus. For several years now, these Santa Cruz locals have been serving up
the most groovalicious drinks in the desert÷and this year is no different. Not
to mention, they've created one of the most comfortable spaces on the playa,
with great chai tea, incredible atmosphere, and friendly service.
Best Blender Drinks
On The Playa
For those
suffering Tiki Camp withdrawal, Chez
Newt's Slow Toxic Amphibian Lounge, located in the NeighBARhood, will offer
you that little slice of the tropics that you've been craving. Wear a mumu or
at least a leia, and bring something to barter: a bottle of rum, tequila,
triple sec, cream de coco, ice, frozen strawberries, limes, bananas, pineapple
juice, margarita mix, Midori, or any other assorted blendable fruits. The Newt
King will be glad to blend you up a little frosty one. If you have nothing to
barter, you might be able to score free drinks by doing menial labor, like
doing dishes and filling tiki torches.
Best Mobile Bar
Have you
seen that living room driving by? That very well may have been Pepper Mouser, the man with the
traveling living room. Pepper and his team outdid themselves this year with
their new-and-improved version of last year's model. Wild leopard prints, zebra
stripes, velveteen Lazy Boys, and blender drinks... all on wheels!
CULTURE
Best Radio Station
Work music,
trip music, dance music, sex music, sleep music, non-sleep music, it's all
there, in a fantastic, eclectic mix of tunes. Disturbia Radio Broadcasting's KFRK (K-Freak) 107.7 is far and away
our favorite radio station out here on the playa. And we're not just saying
that 'cause Piss Clear happens to be
camped in Disturbia! As they say, it really is "where the freaks get their
beats."
Best Morning
Jog/Quick Shower Combo
When you
see that water truck comin', it's
time to start strippin'. Be sure to wear a pair of thongs so your feet don't
get too muddy, then start chasing
after that truck. Woo! Doesn't that feel good?
Best Way to Waste
Several Hours Each Day
It's the
middle of the day. You've already read last Thursday's edition of Piss Clear twice, and you've even
skimmed through the latest Black Rock
Gazette. You're bored. You're restless. You're sick of your campmates. It's
too hot to nap, but too hot to do much moving around either. You've got some
time to kill. So grab your hat, water, and sunblock, and head on down to the Central Camp Bulletin Board. There, you
can easily spend the next several hours÷or days÷reading all the shit people
have posted there.
Best Way To Be
Obsessive/Compulsive/Anal-Retentive
If you're
an obsessive/compusive/anal-retentive person, who needs some rational,
concrete, itemized method for knowing that you're getting all that you can out
of the Burning Man festival, then you must
pick up a passport from the Artists'
Republic of Fremont. That way, you can obsessively visit each and every
single one of the 414 (or so) theme camps, in order to get your passport
stamped. If a theme camp doesn't have a stamp, be sure to throw a loud and
obnoxious conniption fit, complaining how they must have a stamp, otherwise
they're going to screw everything up. Don't stop until they
finally÷somehow÷stamp your passport. At the end of the weekend, after you've
got all 414 stamps, feel good that you've accomplished so much at Burning Man.
Best Delivery Service
Although
they're starting to get some competition from Penfold the Postman of the Playa,
along with young upstarts FedUp, we think that the Portland Cacophony Society's
Disgrunted Postal Workers still
rule! Hell, they've been distributing Piss Clear for us since our very first
issue, way back in 1996. Besides, we're afraid of what they'd do to us if we
didn't put them on this list!
Best Use Of Your
Black Rock City Tax Dollars
God damn if
that Nebulous Entity thing sure
isn't impressive. And it better fucking be, considering that part of your
admission ticket went to pay for it. Still, aren't you glad that your
hard-earned cash helped to pay for such a cool piece of performance art? It was
either that, or the money could have gone to pay for more porta-potties, and
really, does Black Rock City need anymore porta-potties?
Best Way To Attract
Media Attention
Does anyone
remember the end of the Fash-Un Show last year, when two scantily-clad women
began dancing suggestively with each other at the front of the stage? And does
anyone remember how all the idiots with camera swarmed around them faster than
flies on shit? Not to overgeneralize here, but have you ever noticed the sort
of person who's usually behind a professional videocamera? That's why the best
way to attract media attention around here is to engage in displays of PG-13-rated faux lesbian acts, while looking like
a hot-and-bothered sex industry worker.
Best Burning Man Web
Site
Oh sure,
you can get all the important BM info you really
need at http://www.burningman.com. And of course, all the important BM info
they won't tell you can be found at http://www.pissclear.org. But
for all the important BM info you had no
idea you even needed, go to Seth
Maxwell's Burning Man FAQ page at http://malice.org/burn.html. It's
seethingly, hysterically cynical, and makes Piss
Clear seem downright benevolent! Also includes a link to the equally
brilliant Lawyer's Guide to Burning Man.
Best Sound Bites
About Burning Man
"It's
Disneyland in reverse." "You can plan a society, but you can't plan a
culture." "It's primal self-expression." "It's art that
generates society." One thing's for sure: you can always count on Larry Harvey to give good sound bite.
And considering he started this whole mess, he better. It's no wonder the media
loves him so much.
Best Place To Piss
Clear
Look, if
all you have to do is pee, why stand in line just for the privilege of being in
a stinky, smelly, gross porta-potty? Hop on your bike and pedal your way away
from camp, out into the middle of the
playa. Then let it loose. Don't worry, the little bit of mud you create
will dry up in about five minutes. Besides, this is by far the easiest way to
tell if you're pissing clear.
÷ The Best of Black Rock City was compiled by Adrian Roberts,
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