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36 ways to die at Burning Man Your own stupidity. (See last yearâs Burning Man.) Someone elseâs stupidity. (See last yearâs Burning Man.) ãOh shit, I forgot my water.ä ãOh shit, I forgot my sunscreen.ä Rebar stake impalement. Drive your car through camp, figuring that noone will mind. After all, itâs such a nice car! ãHi! Iâm with Wired magazine!ä Put white-gas in the tiki torches. Fall asleep while trying to get a tan. ãIâm sure that rancher wonât mind if we cut across his field.ä Running-With-Scissors theme camp Figure that because youâve stopped sweating, that must mean youâve properly acclimated yourself to the desert, and can now run around all day without worry. Plan on doing some gay-bashing. ãHey! I think Iâll try my hand at fire breathing!ä Assume that the rattling sound you hear coming from underneath that bush means that youâve found the Super-Secret Burning Man Prize! Grope blindly for it. ãLook, I know that both of you are lesbians, but why not try a real man?ä Figure as long as your pork products are wrapped up in plastic, theyâll be just fine without refrigeration. Wear a t-shirt that says ãFratboyz Rule.ä ãGet out of my way! Iâm with the press!ä Asphyxiate yourself on your own vomit. Jump right into that really steamy hot spring. ãLook, itâs bubbling just like a hot tub!ä Get a little too friendly with the Man on Sunday night. Drink those two canning jars of home-made white-lightning moonshine that your uncle gave you for the trip. Buy your body paint at Home Depot in those nifty aerosol cans. Sleep in your car. Fail to notice when the sun comes up. Shoot yourself while drunkenly loading that gun youâre not supposed to have. Walk way, way out into the desert.Forget your compass. Remember that the sun rises in the west and sets in the east. Take a whole bunch of those mushrooms that your friend found growing in his neighborâs yard, the ones he hasnât had time to try out for himself yet. Get pissed off at that guy with the Harley. Tell him you donât like his bike. Or his jacket either. Having trouble getting your fire started? Throw some gasoline on it. Decide your tent needs some atmosphere. Light some candles and place them around inside. Put on your own fireworks show. Shoot parachute flares at passing UFOs. Vodka is no different than water. Holler ãShow us yer tits!ä at the Grrrly-Grrrls performance. Hang out in the secret haystack room underneath the Burning Man, say, around 8 pm on Sunday night. ÷ list compiled by Robert Kennedy, Charles Lucas, Adrian Roberts, and Lizard Man |
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